Party Over Here

Several good tips on bathroom design here that make it fun and whimsical for kids and adults of all ages.  You can really put these into practice in your bathroom to have the whole neighborhood coming over to your house to spent some quality time.

Instead of just installing boring corporate lighting, make it fun by adding some dragon wings made from some old asbestos ceiling tiles.  You can also leave a large hole in the ceiling above the light hoping that a silly mouse might come and visit.  Perhaps a leak will trickle down over the light and make a great electric waterfall! 

Don't forget to empty your vacuum cleaner onto the air grate.  This will make it really seem like an old castle for the kids to explore and catch disease.

How needs monkey bars when you can just as easily run your electrical on the outside of the wall?  What's behind the mysterious plate at the end?  Leave a screw driver near by and see if someone is brave enough to open it up and root around for a prize. 

 You don't want your castle theme to be interrupted by modern instruments so cover at least half of your paper towel holder with bronze paint.  All other painting should be random and it should definitely run onto the door frame and anything else would normally not get painted.   After you finish painting you may want to break the soap dispenser off the wall leaving its outline.  This will add some mystery and can be used in a scavenger hunt later.

You want to be a great host and everyone knows that a great host provides food and refreshments.  We will be spending quite a lot of time in here so it makes sense to work the food into the theme.  Use some chocolate pudding and Frito crumbles to provide a buffet right behind the toilet.  It will be the last place your guests look and you wont believe their surprise.

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Reduse, Reuse, Revolting

In these days where everybody needs to do their part for the planet, its good to see even the owner of this bathroom getting into the act.  They clearly had a rotting old boat or the used wall of an out house laying around and decided it was time to put it to good use.

They crudely sawed off the end making sure not to use any kind of paint or sealant that might hurt the environment.  It will naturally soak up liquids without the daily need for watering to keep it just moist enough to promote proper mold growth.

They also went with a very natural look for the counter top itself.  They would never use any soaps or harsh abrasives that might pollute the ground water.  Eventually the gunk will build up enough that they can remove the wood altogether and it will support itself.  This wood can then be used to built a bread box or a baby's crib.

 This is where the attention to detail really shows.  They could have used some toxic adhesive or virgin metal screws to attach this soap dispenser, but they took the time to strip some copper from a vacationing neighbors wiring and attached it securely to the counter.  This too, is only temporary.  The overflowing soap is making a natural shell that will be stronger and nastier than any stolen wire.  This wire will then be used as a way to start their car or a tooth scraper.

Recycling is not always about just reusing things.  Sometimes its about taking care of the things you have to make them last longer.  This is their GOOD spray bottle.  They know that when you have something worth keeping that its worth treating well.  They are keeping this baby high and not so dry hanging in the leaky plumbing instead of on the filthy, pest-ridden floor.

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Red and White and Dirty All Over

This instillation is the so on the cutting edge that you have never even heard of it.  It grew from the Take A Penny, Leave A Penny bowl at the register of most convenience stores.  This genius adapted it to work with screws and dirty soap dispensers.  They have really gotten ball rolling by leaving a extra screw in the jagged dangerous holes left from the previous dispenser.  Wont you pay if forward by taking a screw and doing a terrible repair job for yourself.

From the claw marks we can see that something evil and probably deadly lives in this vent.  It's the only good explanation.  There is an alternate, stupider explanation that involves somebody removing the grate to see why there is a leak.  Closing it back up leaving the stain and the filth remaining.  Not bothering to clean up in any way.  Surely, for the sake of future generations its just a bathroom dwelling heater demon.

Surprisingly, the only inch of clean area in this bathroom is the cleaning schedule.  Its bright and clean as the day if was probably super glued to that dirty door.

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Come and Wipe Your Feet On Our Floor

Like most people, I like to go into a public restroom barefoot like God made me.  Its jarring stepping in from the welcoming warmth of dirt onto cold porcelain.  They've eased that transition by coating the floor in a nice thick layer of mother earth for my bare tootsies.  

They have also went with a deconstructionist approach to bathroom maintenance.  They popped the top on the toilet tank like a can of Pringles and let it rest dangerously on the shoddy shelf above.  It's just waiting to knock somebody out when those rusty screws give way.  How exciting!

I personally like the gangster lean on the toilet plunger.  It just screams URBAN.

You might think that they made a huge mistake in leaving the toilet paper out of reach overhead and behind you, but you're gonna think you're an idiot when you see this next picture.

They have a fresh roll waiting for you on the sink 4 feet away!  Its sitting there getting nice and wet.  Just the way you like it.  You just need to use that cockeyed plunger to knock it off and roll it across the dirty floor until it's right in your sweaty hands. 

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Why Does My Car Smell Like Urinal Cake?

I know I can't be the only one applauding the go-getter attitude by the employees at this gas station.  The sheer will and intelligence needed to steal something off the counter and take it all the way to the bathroom to rig up the crappiest air freshening system ever, is off the charts. 

Any normal person would have collapsed half way there and been found 3 days later in a pile of Debbie Cakes, $8 dollar cat food no one is ever going to buy, and dirty magazines.  If they did make it to the bathroom they would probably realize they grabbed a copy of scratched up $1 CD with MooTown's Greatest Hits (a parody Motown CD with cow sounds) by accident.

I can't wait to see their next move here.  I hope it's something as great as windshield wiper fluid in the hand soap or even a flamed up steering wheel cover applied to the toilet seat. 

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Hitting the Target - QUICK TIP

We have all had issues with urine gone wild, but take a tip from these guys to never have a pee soaked ceiling again. 

If guys are having trouble finding the urinal you may want to mark it clearly by getting a big ball of Georgia red clay and smashing it into the grout between the tiles.  You are going to have to let it sit for quite awhile before it becomes dirt concrete, but once it does, it will be there for a lifetime.

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A Bathroom Master in Pieces - Part 3 of 3

This bathroom has so much going on that I need to break it down like a used cardboard box (this reference will be hilarious in just a little bit - ;) wink, wink)

This is the third and final picture is this amazing bathroom.  It is the last, but definitely not the least jacked up.

Most amateurs might finish off one urinal and leave a working one for those brave enough to drop trough, but that is for quitters.  They clearly ran out of any sensible materials to block off a broken toilet, such as cardboard.  They didn't quit though and that's what really stands out. 

They picked themselves up off the dirtiest floor in the world, attempted to wipe the dirt of their pants but realized it was hopeless, and raided the trash cans outside a working government building.  They stood to incur large fines and possibly jail sentences but it didn't stop them from using official government documents and the trash bag they came in to get the job done.

I do wonder what kind of amateur came in after the fact and put up an "Out of Order" sign, though.  This cannot be the work of the same people.  The original artists must have moved on to dirtier pastures.  This is truly akin to tagging the Mona Lisa and I hope someone with some sense will remove it as soon as possible.

I hope the next time you are in a bathroom not peeing on your hard earned tax dollars you will remember this and remember those who probably died of a lung parasite shortly after being here.

Note:  Am I the only one guessing that, at some point, someone has tried to pee in that little gap between the plastic bag and the urinal?

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A Bathroom Master in Pieces - Part 2 of 3

This bathroom has so much going on that I need to break it down like a used cardboard box (this reference will be hilarious in just a little bit - ;) wink, wink)

If you are making your own jacked up bathroom you will definitely want to take some tips from the guys.  Most people would never have the kind of budget and Hollywood special effects team it would take to recreate this, but we can all shoot for the stars.

Even these pros know that sometimes they don't get it right the first time.  If you stick something up on the wall and its not right, then it can be fixed.  Just leave it there for 8-9 years until the glue has turned orangeish-yellow and then grab your hammer and beat it off the wall.  The resulting marks will serve as a guide for you to not be so stupid next time and add a touch of history.

You may also want to put a sink in your bathroom but don't want to pay the double digit prices down at the home improvement store.  The good news is that you don't have too pay anything.  Take the top of a crate ,used to ship illegal wild animals, and four legs you broke of a table someone left on the sidewalk for garbage pick up.  You will then need to take some bolts and drive them straight through the top into the leg.  No need to worry about the water that might go through the hole or how crappy it looks.  Dirt and mold will eventually fill the gap and it will be watertight and ready to hold all kinds of disease.

If you are not ready to reveal the final touches on your bathroom then go around the downtown area until you find a really dirty box, probably used by a homeless person.  Take that box and very, very loosely duct tape it to the wall.

PRO TIP:  Be sure to not remove any shipping information on the box.  This may help you find your way home after your infection boils important parts of your brain.

(read on for part 3)

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A Bathroom Master in Pieces - Part 1 of 3

This bathroom has so much going on that I need to break it down like a used cardboard box (this reference will be hilarious in just a little bit - ;) wink, wink)

Check out this awesome fall color scheme for the commode area!  They really went all out with the details on this one.  The first thing that catches this guy's eye is the vintage 70's linoleum with a black border.  Did somebody have a good eye for color or is this just symmetrical mold?  The good ones never tell.  

They've also hand brushed each edge of the toilet seat to really bring out the highlights.  The rest of the seat wouldn't look as white if the edges didn't look so crappy.

If you look closely, you can see the careful placement of a hair grouping on the right side of the rim.  Everyone knows that good things always come in threes.  That goes for wishes, money, and body hairs of all types.

The best part is the avant-garde placement of the tank lid.  Most amateurs would just go with the normal, boring arrangement, but not these artists.  They did it Kris Kross style!  This unconventional twist makes me want to JUMP! JUMP! in there and get to work.

(read on for part deuce)

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It Aint Easy Being Green

This bathroom ensemble was obviously put together by someone who knew what they were doing.  It has everything a nice bathroom of this caliber should have in it. 

The first thing I noticed is the grimy mop bucket.  This lets you know that the floor was cleaned, at least once, at some point. 

In the same vein is the blue toilet cleaner and scrub brush.  They are put right out in front to assure you that either someone at least squirted it on the brush to look like they cleaned it or it got below freezing in this bathroom and the bottle burst.  They even splashed a little on the wall to make sure it catches your eye!  Brilliant!

The cute frog statue relaxing by the 80's air freshener is final touch.  You know you are in for a good time when a frog is willing to sit back and kick off his shoes.....

 

THAT FROG HAS NO FEET!

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Rust is a Must

Sometimes you want something so bad you just cant wait for it to take its natural time to happen.  These guys wanted a dirty, rusty bathroom quickly and they knew just how to do it.  They piped in a separate line to the urinal just to add some extra rusty water to the mix.  They also made sure to never, ever wipe down or clean anything, in any way.  You can see from the air freshener and hemorrhoid pads that they now enjoy long hours sitting and admiring their handy work.

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Signs of a Concerned File Clerk

 

You know your employer really cares about your health when they go to the trouble of picking up a marker and an old, used manila folder, for your health.  Sure. they could have used a professional sign maker, or used correct punctuation, or connected all the lines in their letters like anybody who passed at least first grade, or even took the time to underline and entire word instead of just part of it, but that wouldn't have meant the same to you or to them.

They even took the time to tear the blue tape with their own jagged teeth instead of using scissors or regular scotch tape.  Next time you see a corporate sign at your place of work be sure to remember there are some people out there who still care about their employees, but not the ones who smoke. 

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Working On Your Car - QUICK TIP

QUICK TIP:

If you are working on your car and need to get rid of old battery acid or used oil just dump it in the nearest urinal.  It makes for some interesting patterns and makes people wonder if pee really can be art.

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Bathroom or Tropical Paradise? You Decide.

Some people just see a bathroom as a place to do your business and get the heck out as fast as you can.  Some people see it as a chance to build an breathtaking oasis with a resort-like feel.  This pictures show one of those attempts. 

See how the new and used toilet paper is strewn on the floor like seashells on a dirty bathroom floor colored beach?  Did you notice how the filthy brush and grimy brown ring around the toilet look eerily similar to a young boys fishing pole dangling in a tidal pool?  How about the subtle yellow tint of the water in the bowl exactly matching a late summer sunset? 

You may have not noticed those little details but I know you didn't miss the piece that ties it all together.  What a beautiful photo of a schooner at sail on the sea.  The owner must have known that they had a one-of-a-kind piece of art, because they left it in the plastic like an good collector would.  They even took the time to bend it in just the right places, so that it catches the light perfectly.  

If you look closely you can see they even added fake sea spray for that final touch of authenticity!

8th Wonder of the World?

 

Sometimes you are so proud of something that you have to show it to everybody.  That's the case with this pipe.  They have clearly put an effort into having the single dirtiest pipe known to man and they want it on display for the world to see.  Most people would have hidden such a pipe inside a wall, or behind a bucket, or maybe even cleaned it.  Not these guys.  They have pride.  We could learn a little something about self worth and personal responsibility from them.

They take such good care of it that they even made a small in-wall safe right beside it to keep their supplies for this miracle.  I don't know for certain but I assume that it contains everything somebody would need to make this wonder.

Imagined contents of wonder locker:

1. squirt bottle and sponges - moisture must be ensured at all times
2.  floor scrapings - if any part of the original pipe shows through the grime it must be patches immediately
3. absolutely no cleaning supplies of any kind - no explanation needed

If the above list is not true then I can only imagine what lies behind that locked door.  If its better than whats on the outside and is good enough to hide away then we can only hope one day those blessed keepers of the filth will bestow it on a grateful world.

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Brushes with Death

Its clear from these pictures that the janitor has a bad back and butter fingers.  A wise janit-person once told me "its not worth losing another finger to gangrene".  I still live by that today.  The important lesson to be learned is that you can always steal a new brush off the shelf instead of picking one up off the floor.  Eventually enough will pile up that they will compost and generate enough heat to catch fire.  That's means a day off work for you!  Problem solved with a cherry on top.

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