Why Does My Car Smell Like Urinal Cake?

I know I can't be the only one applauding the go-getter attitude by the employees at this gas station.  The sheer will and intelligence needed to steal something off the counter and take it all the way to the bathroom to rig up the crappiest air freshening system ever, is off the charts. 

Any normal person would have collapsed half way there and been found 3 days later in a pile of Debbie Cakes, $8 dollar cat food no one is ever going to buy, and dirty magazines.  If they did make it to the bathroom they would probably realize they grabbed a copy of scratched up $1 CD with MooTown's Greatest Hits (a parody Motown CD with cow sounds) by accident.

I can't wait to see their next move here.  I hope it's something as great as windshield wiper fluid in the hand soap or even a flamed up steering wheel cover applied to the toilet seat. 

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It Aint Easy Being Green

This bathroom ensemble was obviously put together by someone who knew what they were doing.  It has everything a nice bathroom of this caliber should have in it. 

The first thing I noticed is the grimy mop bucket.  This lets you know that the floor was cleaned, at least once, at some point. 

In the same vein is the blue toilet cleaner and scrub brush.  They are put right out in front to assure you that either someone at least squirted it on the brush to look like they cleaned it or it got below freezing in this bathroom and the bottle burst.  They even splashed a little on the wall to make sure it catches your eye!  Brilliant!

The cute frog statue relaxing by the 80's air freshener is final touch.  You know you are in for a good time when a frog is willing to sit back and kick off his shoes.....

 

THAT FROG HAS NO FEET!

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Brushes with Death

Its clear from these pictures that the janitor has a bad back and butter fingers.  A wise janit-person once told me "its not worth losing another finger to gangrene".  I still live by that today.  The important lesson to be learned is that you can always steal a new brush off the shelf instead of picking one up off the floor.  Eventually enough will pile up that they will compost and generate enough heat to catch fire.  That's means a day off work for you!  Problem solved with a cherry on top.

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Bathroom Maintenance 101

 Lots of good tips here on how to maintain and spruce up your bathroom.

Tip #1 - If something doesn't work then rip or kick it off the wall and hot glue a new (or heavily used) one back up.  Don't worry about the holes or missing wall paper.  Customers love the mystery of guessing what kind of bugs might be living in those little holes.

Tip #2 - If beavers, rats, roaches, or bats chew holes in the wall its an easy fix.  All you need is some old plywood that has been laying in the rain or even a piece of an old cooler where you keep your fish guts.  Screw it to the wall with rustiest screws you can find.  Everyone is going to love the risk of possibly having to get a tetanus shot and the ongoing threat of a mutant beaver roach attack mounting behind that loose piece of wood.  It makes a quick bathroom run into something exciting and dangerous!

Tip #3 - No place to store your cleaning utensil?  Grab a bottle of bleach or an old gas can previously used for huffing.  Carefully cut a hole leaving the handle for portability.  Breath a sigh of relief knowing that everything is in its place and looks great!

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Remember to wipe...the floor...kinda

Step 1: Misjudge the time and distance to the bathroom.
Step 2: Arrive seconds too early.
Step 3: Crap self, front of toilet, and surrounding floor.
Step 4: Pray no one is in the stall next to you.
Step 5: Say "Aww man, I can't believe I dropped the pudding that I bring with me to enjoy on the toilet" in case someone was in the next stall.
Step 6: Remember you have hand wipes in your pocket from the BBQ place earlier in the night.
Step 7: Make a mental note to never eat at aforementioned BBQ place.
Step 8: Reconsider BBQ place as long as you run faster next time. The ribs were pretty good.
Step 9: Realize that you have poop drying on the back of your legs.
Step 10: Use wipes to make a half-hearted attempt to clean up your mess.
Step 11: Throw wipe wrappers on the floor, seeing as its already covered in scat.
Step 12: Realize all you are doing is making it worse. Its like spreading crap frosting on a bathroom floor cake.
Step 13: Take a second to wonder how you managed to crap over a foot to the left of the toilet and underneath the outside of the bowl. Is it possible you poop defies the laws of physics?
Step 14: Hear the door open.
Step 15: Poop a little more. This time with the pants up, so it's all good.
Step 16: Bust open the stall door screaming that there is a doo-doo monster on the loose and everybody better run for their lives.
Step 17: Rest easy knowing that no one was any the wiser as to what happened thanks to your quick thinking and that 3rd shower.

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