Come and Wipe Your Feet On Our Floor


Like most people, I like to go into a public restroom barefoot like God made me.  Its jarring stepping in from the welcoming warmth of dirt onto cold porcelain.  They've eased that transition by coating the floor in a nice thick layer of mother earth for my bare tootsies.  

They have also went with a deconstructionist approach to bathroom maintenance.  They popped the top on the toilet tank like a can of Pringles and let it rest dangerously on the shoddy shelf above.  It's just waiting to knock somebody out when those rusty screws give way.  How exciting!

I personally like the gangster lean on the toilet plunger.  It just screams URBAN.

You might think that they made a huge mistake in leaving the toilet paper out of reach overhead and behind you, but you're gonna think you're an idiot when you see this next picture.


They have a fresh roll waiting for you on the sink 4 feet away!  Its sitting there getting nice and wet.  Just the way you like it.  You just need to use that cockeyed plunger to knock it off and roll it across the dirty floor until it's right in your sweaty hands. 


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Why Does My Car Smell Like Urinal Cake?

I know I can't be the only one applauding the go-getter attitude by the employees at this gas station.  The sheer will and intelligence needed to steal something off the counter and take it all the way to the bathroom to rig up the crappiest air freshening system ever, is off the charts. 

Any normal person would have collapsed half way there and been found 3 days later in a pile of Debbie Cakes, $8 dollar cat food no one is ever going to buy, and dirty magazines.  If they did make it to the bathroom they would probably realize they grabbed a copy of scratched up $1 CD with MooTown's Greatest Hits (a parody Motown CD with cow sounds) by accident.

I can't wait to see their next move here.  I hope it's something as great as windshield wiper fluid in the hand soap or even a flamed up steering wheel cover applied to the toilet seat. 

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Hitting the Target - QUICK TIP

We have all had issues with urine gone wild, but take a tip from these guys to never have a pee soaked ceiling again. 

If guys are having trouble finding the urinal you may want to mark it clearly by getting a big ball of Georgia red clay and smashing it into the grout between the tiles.  You are going to have to let it sit for quite awhile before it becomes dirt concrete, but once it does, it will be there for a lifetime.

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I Just Heard My Song on Bathroom Radio!

One day you are finally going to hit that big payday on a scratch-off while stopping at the local gas station to check out the bathroom.  When you do, you are probably gonna want to trick out your home bathroom with a kick butt audio entertainment system like the one above.

How many times have you been on in the bathroom wasting time when you could be catching up on current events, popular music that the kids are into, or your favorite radio plays?  Now you can hear them in all their crackly, 50's school PA system, mono-sound glory!  The best part is that its piped directly into your ear while you are on the toilet.  You also get the added benefit of no audio controls to adjust the sound so its always good and loud.

If you really want to spring for the big bucks you can also add the single led in the corner, but everybody would understand if you didn't want to blow your whole jackpot.  You may regret it later when you are just staring at plain old speaker without that high tech bling.

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A Bathroom Master in Pieces - Part 3 of 3

This bathroom has so much going on that I need to break it down like a used cardboard box (this reference will be hilarious in just a little bit - ;) wink, wink)

This is the third and final picture is this amazing bathroom.  It is the last, but definitely not the least jacked up.

Most amateurs might finish off one urinal and leave a working one for those brave enough to drop trough, but that is for quitters.  They clearly ran out of any sensible materials to block off a broken toilet, such as cardboard.  They didn't quit though and that's what really stands out. 

They picked themselves up off the dirtiest floor in the world, attempted to wipe the dirt of their pants but realized it was hopeless, and raided the trash cans outside a working government building.  They stood to incur large fines and possibly jail sentences but it didn't stop them from using official government documents and the trash bag they came in to get the job done.

I do wonder what kind of amateur came in after the fact and put up an "Out of Order" sign, though.  This cannot be the work of the same people.  The original artists must have moved on to dirtier pastures.  This is truly akin to tagging the Mona Lisa and I hope someone with some sense will remove it as soon as possible.

I hope the next time you are in a bathroom not peeing on your hard earned tax dollars you will remember this and remember those who probably died of a lung parasite shortly after being here.

Note:  Am I the only one guessing that, at some point, someone has tried to pee in that little gap between the plastic bag and the urinal?

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A Bathroom Master in Pieces - Part 2 of 3

This bathroom has so much going on that I need to break it down like a used cardboard box (this reference will be hilarious in just a little bit - ;) wink, wink)

If you are making your own jacked up bathroom you will definitely want to take some tips from the guys.  Most people would never have the kind of budget and Hollywood special effects team it would take to recreate this, but we can all shoot for the stars.

Even these pros know that sometimes they don't get it right the first time.  If you stick something up on the wall and its not right, then it can be fixed.  Just leave it there for 8-9 years until the glue has turned orangeish-yellow and then grab your hammer and beat it off the wall.  The resulting marks will serve as a guide for you to not be so stupid next time and add a touch of history.

You may also want to put a sink in your bathroom but don't want to pay the double digit prices down at the home improvement store.  The good news is that you don't have too pay anything.  Take the top of a crate ,used to ship illegal wild animals, and four legs you broke of a table someone left on the sidewalk for garbage pick up.  You will then need to take some bolts and drive them straight through the top into the leg.  No need to worry about the water that might go through the hole or how crappy it looks.  Dirt and mold will eventually fill the gap and it will be watertight and ready to hold all kinds of disease.

If you are not ready to reveal the final touches on your bathroom then go around the downtown area until you find a really dirty box, probably used by a homeless person.  Take that box and very, very loosely duct tape it to the wall.

PRO TIP:  Be sure to not remove any shipping information on the box.  This may help you find your way home after your infection boils important parts of your brain.

(read on for part 3)

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A Bathroom Master in Pieces - Part 1 of 3

This bathroom has so much going on that I need to break it down like a used cardboard box (this reference will be hilarious in just a little bit - ;) wink, wink)


Check out this awesome fall color scheme for the commode area!  They really went all out with the details on this one.  The first thing that catches this guy's eye is the vintage 70's linoleum with a black border.  Did somebody have a good eye for color or is this just symmetrical mold?  The good ones never tell.  

They've also hand brushed each edge of the toilet seat to really bring out the highlights.  The rest of the seat wouldn't look as white if the edges didn't look so crappy.

If you look closely, you can see the careful placement of a hair grouping on the right side of the rim.  Everyone knows that good things always come in threes.  That goes for wishes, money, and body hairs of all types.

The best part is the avant-garde placement of the tank lid.  Most amateurs would just go with the normal, boring arrangement, but not these artists.  They did it Kris Kross style!  This unconventional twist makes me want to JUMP! JUMP! in there and get to work.

(read on for part deuce)

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The Mark of Revolution - A Mountian Dew Rebellion


I knew it couldn't be the only person who likes to drink 3 gallons of mountain dew before heading down to the local truck stop and painting that toilet silly.  Its good to know there are other rebels out there who don't feel the need to color inside the lines or pee inside the bowl.  If they didn't want us to hit the seat then why did they put it there?   

Our marks will forever be left on the rims of the world as a warning to those who fall victim to the MAN, and CORPORATE AMERICA, and to those who don't do their pooping in the privacy of their own suburban homes.

You may wipe the seats but you will never wipe the memory from your minds.  From the looks of it, you will probably never wipe down the wall beside the toilet either.



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